Victorian Etiquette Unveiled: Lessons from Good Manners (1886)
The 1886 guide Good Manners offers advice on household management and good behavior.
What is apparent in this guide is the emphasis on discipline in order to achieve the best versions of ourselves–discipline of the household, of our children, and of the self. Discipline is less a state of being than a journey, one that requires self-control and determination. It also empowers us to manage our time effectively. The author, Mary E. Nash, Preceptress at Chicago Female College, offers a very clear vision of how a disciplined household should look:
Careless existence weakens and injures. Wholesome restraint and reticence foster growth and strength. Due formality cultivates and dignifies individual character.
To be able “to do as we like” should not be the chief charm of the home. But we should there, in unembarrassed mood, arm ourselves with courtesy and nobility, and wear our armor until it fits perfectly, so that it may assist us in every emergency, enabling us to bear ourselves gracefully and well.
An orderly household must be a somewhat formal one. But like well disciplined soldiers, each member of the family will gladly step to its music, and respond promptly to its requirements. We all do homage to order, however much we may complain of the rising bell, and the prompt breakfast, which summon us from dreamland. And we fall into rank with a cheerfulness unknown to the desultory stragglers in a disorderly family.
An undisciplined life leads to weakness, and reticence strengthens character. True freedom, says Ms. Nash, is not simply doing as we please, but developing courtesy and dignity so that they become second nature. Her vision of a well-ordered home requires some level of formality, where each member willingly adheres to structure. Many of us would likely resist routines such as early, mandated rising times and scheduled meals, but it is true that an orderly routine nurtures a sense of harmony and purpose that cannot be found in chaotic households.
A formal household certainly seems outdated to most modern readers, but there is something valuable to glean from this vision as well. Self-discipline is important, and a structured routine has many benefits for personal growth. Although our modern sensibilities prefer flexibility, an orderly home is one that provides clear guidelines for everyone. Courtesy and dignity cannot happen without clear expectations. A well-ordered home can still exist without severe, outdated notions of formality, and that should resonate with anyone who has a desire for stability and purpose.