The Disconnect: Wealth, Education, and Behavior

Men and women in the intercourse of the family and in good society are expected to be kind, gentle, well-bred, and obliging. By “good society” I do not mean fashionable society. It happens that the very rudest people I ever met belonged to a very exclusive circle in what is called the “smart set” of a cosmopolitan American city. The ladies and gentlemen to whom I refer were away from home attending an exposition in a Southern State. They had been most hospitably entertained and most kindly welcomed, but their air of detachment, of pride, of indifference to those around them, might have befitted folk of the baser sort who had never had a chance to learn propriety, but were glaringly out of place in people who had enjoyed every advantage that wealth, travel, and culture could bestow.

The preceding excerpt comes from one of our etiquette guides, which explains that true good manners are expected in both family life and polite society, but that social status does not guarantee refinement. We should distinguish “good society” from mere fashionable circles; as our author notes, some of the rudest people do indeed belong to an exclusive social set. In her example, despite being warmly welcomed while traveling, such individuals displayed such arrogance that one could easily have forgotten that they had had the advantages of wealth and education.

There is a critical distinction between social status and genuine refinement, and that point should resonate with us deeply in an age of curated online personae and performative displays. Outward appearances, whether of wealth or popularity, do not guarantee good character, a truth often obscured by the allure of superficial interactions. Rudeness, unfortunately, can be universal; poor behavior transcends social class and can be found even within more exclusive circles.

Good manners are cultivated, not inherent, and advantages like wealth and education do not automatically equate to considerate conduct. A nuance that is often overlooked in today’s discourse is that etiquette remains important in both public and private spheres. Consideration and manners never go out of style, in any context, even in our increasingly digital and impersonal world. The distinction between “good society” and fashionable cliques is a critique in itself of the pursuit of status for its own sake. Our guide’s author urges us to value genuine character over fleeting appearances. This is really the whole human condition: true value resides in character, and not in social standing.

The guide, by the way, is called Good Manners for All Occasions, and was written by Margaret E. Sangster. It was published in 1904.

It must be also noted that the United States is traditionally divided into three main social classes: upper, middle, and lower, with some subdivisions within. In recent years, the middle class has been shrinking, while both the upper and lower classes have expanded. We should be reminded that, even if the differences among these classes are both economic and cultural, they do not include a basic appreciation of respect and politeness.