Manners and Morals: Gems of Deportment and Childhood Expectations
In Gems of Deportment, published in 1881, we find a description of child rearing that makes certain gendered distinctions.
Many parents of boys will tell you that they are naturally energetic, more so than their female counterparts, and that they benefit from regular physical activity in order to channel their energy constructively. But Gems also issues some warnings. Have you heard the term “boy mom”?
The essentials of refinement should all be learned at home, beginning from earliest infancy with the pleasant “good night” or “good morning,” and carried out through all the little details that make up the total of a complete character. There the boys should be taught to speak gently, take off their hats as soon as they are within doors, be polite to older people, and treat their sisters with the same chivalry that they would use themselves toward the sisters of comrades. Mothers are proverbially blind to the faults of their boys; they seem to think other people will excuse their rudeness on the grounds of high spirits, and they too often bring them up in such an indulgent manner, that they become selfish, sordid men, who make indifferent sons and bad husbands. It is easy to remember an instance in the family of some friend or acquaintance if not in our own, where a rough boy breaks in upon a pleasant conversation with a wild shout: “Say, mother, I'm going over to Fred's; tell Tom Wilson to fetch the new dog over, and we'll take him in swimming;” or, “Mother gimme a piece, I'm most a starved.”
The young gentleman is waited on, and disappears in a hurricane of slamming doors and noisy footsteps, music no doubt to his fond mother's ears, but a horrible discord to everyone else. In a world where no one person can live to himself alone, it is well to begin early, and remember that other people have rights, and that we can not all go tearing our several ways like maniacs, without regard for those who are sacrificed on the altar of selfishness.
Girls, belonging more properly to home interests, have fewer difficulties to overcome in the way of getting an education in polite manners. They are fonder of approbation, and more observant than their brothers, and they gradually acquire little touches of daintiness, which will forever remain with them. Boys seem to have an inherent dislike to what they call “being goody” and they assume much of the bluster and swagger of boyhood, as a sort of diploma of manliness.
The author, Martha Louise Rayne, advises us that refinement and good manners should be instilled at home from early childhood. Boys, in particular, should be taught politeness and chivalry, but mothers, unfortunately, often overlook their sons' rudeness and excuse it as “high spirits.” This indulgence leads inevitably to poor behavior in adulthood. Girls, says Ms. Rayne, naturally develop a certain grace due to their observant nature, while boys actively resist refinement and associate roughness with manliness. Early education in social etiquette is the antidote.
Family is ground zero for a child’s character. It does not need to be complicated–“consideration for others” is enough of a guiding concept to yield good results. Children are certainly shaped by many influences throughout their development, but good values start at home. It is our duty, as it was in the 19th century, to raise responsible adults. Ultimately, the neglect of a foundational understanding of manners has negative consequences that reverberate into adulthood.