From 19th Century Dining Rooms to Modern Tablescapes
The 1835 guide on politeness, At Home and Abroad; or, How to Behave, provides etiquette advice for all sorts of occasions. In today’s selection, it emphasizes the importance of good manners at the dinner table. It stresses the need for cleanliness, proper posture, and consideration for others while eating. The author, “Mrs. Manners,” advises us to avoid being picky or indecisive when choosing our own food, but to be mindful of the preferences of others. The overall message is to be polite, of course–respectful and considerate, avoiding behaviors that may draw unwanted attention or create discomfort to oneself or others.
We all know the basics: use your napkin throughout the meal, place it on your lap to begin, and use it to gently wipe your hands or mouth as needed. Avoid displaying the contents of your mouth while you’re chewing, and so on. But our 19th century guide offers more specific guidance, along with some etiquette philosophy:
Those who are truly well bred are always the same, whether there is anyone to observe them or not. They do not keep manners for company, which is quite as great an evidence of vulgarity as no manners at all. Those of you who have had the advantage of good examples before you all your lives, are not to be offended because some of these rules have been always observed by you. I know many who err in these things, not willingly, but from ignorance; and very few are perfect in that exact good breeding which renders one an agreeable companion at the table.
The first thing to be said, because the most disagreeable to observe in others, is this. Never go to the table with untidy clothes or disorderly hair; and if you have unfortunately done so, do not call attention to the fact by trying to arrange them after you are seated there. I hope you will always, though perhaps you are very young yet, have a clean face, clean hands, and neatly-trimmed fingernails. You must be particularly careful in regard to your nails, for when long and dirty they are excessively disgusting; and if you have been employed upon dirty work, it will take but a minute to remove the traces of it from your nails. Do this in your own room, or where you wash your bands, for it is ill-bred to do it before people, as washing your face would be, or arranging your dress or hair.
Having taken your seat at the table, do not sit so far from it that there will be danger of dropping your food into your lap, but sufficiently nigh to incline your head over your plate, which should be near the edge of the table. Do not lean your arms on the table, or loll over it, but sit quietly and uprightly in your chair; and if a blessing is besought, look reverently down or close your eyes till it is over.
If you are asked what you would like at the table, reply quickly and distinctly, and do not hesitate or change your mind, or say you "don't know;" all this takes the time of others, and calls attention to your capricious appetite. Above all things, you are to avoid at the table, as elsewhere, singularity in tastes and habits, as this calls attention to you, and causes remarks, which is unpleasant.
If a choice of a part of a fowl be offered to you, say what you really prefer, unless you know another wishes it, and perceive there is not enough for both of you. Then kindness, or true politeness, requires that you shall not name it, but express a willingness to take any part.