Decoding Edwardian Etiquette: Mrs. Harcourt's Rules for Women
In her 1907 etiquette guide, Good Form for Women, Mrs. Charles Harcourt provides both specific and general guidance for “good form” in social settings.
The concept of “etiquette” sometimes elicits unappreciative reactions from those who believe that it is a useless code of rules designed to restrict and control the otherwise free thinkers of society. Nothing could be further from the truth. Such disdain is silly; real etiquette is borne from the desire to be respected and respectful. That there are many minutiae associated with this is only a reflection of the fact that we communicate our attitude towards others in every action, in every single gesture. Kindness and consideration promote meaningful interactions that tell the rest of the world, “I am not more important than you, but I am not any less important, either.”
Mrs. Harcourt explains the nuances of real etiquette in her first chapter, where she says the following:
Whilst it is possible for a person lacking in the essentials of good form to assume a veneer of politeness that may pass current among superficial observers for sufficient mark of the gentlewoman, true good form is based upon certain essential qualities of the heart, without which it is as a body without a soul, a temple without worshippers, an envelope without an enclosure — it is, in short, the form without the substance.
Mere conformity to the rules of etiquette is of comparatively little consequence. Many a milkmaid, with a homely exterior, possesses more of the essentials of a lady than does Mrs. Flam Boyant, with surface polish and innate ill-nature. It has been said that “it takes three generations to make a gentleman.” The thought underlying the aphorism is that breeding is necessary to the production of the stable qualities that form the foundation of the character of a gentleman. Training in one generation, becomes habit in the next, and temperament in the third.
True good form must be temperamental. Proper action must spring from proper feeling. The essential condition, then, is that of a sane mind in a sound body. This is largely a matter of heredity, but a splendid heritage may be neglected and even ruined, and an indifferent one may be cherished and developed. The son of a gentleman may become a blackguard, and the daughter of a dairyman may develop into a lovable and polished lady.
True “good form” goes beyond superficial politeness; it stems from essential qualities of the heart. Simply following social rules does not make any of us a true lady—genuine refinement comes from character, rather than appearances. A humble milkmaid, says Mrs. Harcourt, may embody more true grace than a polished but ill-natured woman. The saying that it takes three generations to make a gentleman reflects the idea that we cultivate stable character over time, and it is truly a group effort. While heredity may be significant for those who are concerned about land or titles, it is both upbringing and personal development that are more significant. Noble lineage can be squandered, anyway, while modest origins can be refined into true elegance.
There is a tension between performative politeness and genuine character that is so timeless that we recognize it even today. Nowadays, we would be more likely to frame “good form” as something like “emotional intelligence” and ethical behavior. While outward displays can be easily mimicked for social gain, true integrity is authentic. Mrs. Harcourt’s analogy of “a body without a soul” is perfect, and powerful: surface-level manners are hollow, and genuine connection requires something deeper. We might be motivated, perhaps, to cultivate our inner values, over mere social posturing.