Beyond Politeness: The Art of Meaningful Dialogue

The 1836 social guide, L’Art de Briller en Société (or, The Art of Shining in Society) outlines the various rules, spoken and unspoken, of social success. In today’s selection on our site, it explains the importance of spontaneity and authenticity in conversation. The author, a M. Bescherelle (elder), suggests that by abandoning self-consciousness and calculated speech, we can engage in more natural and meaningful conversations. He warns explicitly against overly polished and formal language, arguing that it can hinder genuine connection and make conversations tedious.

You may have the impression that intense calculation of what you say will help you be a better conversationalist. You would be wrong, according to this authority. There is nothing charming about a veneer of intellectualism, so avoid overthinking. Genuine conversation isn't about sounding smart, but rather connecting with others on an authentic human level.

To be a good conversationalist, you must certainly listen to others and respond thoughtfully. But this guide reminds us to not always be too thoughtful, so adapt your communication style to the situation and remember the importance of body language–open body language conveys engagement and interest. The goal is not only to make others feel heard and understood, but delighted and intrigued.

The following translation from the original French is our own:

ABANDON. One of the first rules for pleasing others and maintaining conversation is to not always say only thoughtful things, but on the contrary to let oneself go with one's first thought; for truth, even in ideas without reality and which only paint the rapid nuances of our soul, always has its particular charm. Besides, we must not forget, we always have more wit and pleasure when we abandon ourselves to conversation without making any calculation of vanity or self-esteem. Everyone feels how painful and boring a conversation would be in which the work of an elegant phraseology with pedantry, tormented by research and affectation, is to be heard; a conversation which would be nothing other than a perpetual academic discourse, sown with all the flowers of rhetoric that Batteux and Rollin recommend to apprentice orators.