19th Century Social Rules: Etiquette Tips from 1843
The 19th century guide, Hints on Etiquette, was adjusted and published for American audiences in 1843. It provides helpful hints on many topics, and we have selected a few of them to share below.
The topic of introductions is rarely discussed nowadays. When introducing acquaintances, for instance, we tend not to give it much thought: keep it brief and upbeat, and highlight the potential benefit of the connection. We use phrases like, “I'd like you to meet…,” or “This is…,” in order to make the introduction smooth and welcoming. But there has historically been much more nuance to this process, and, as we have espoused many times on this site, every gesture communicates respect and awareness (or lack thereof) of formality.
Here is what Charles W.M. Day, the guide’s author, recommends for both wanted and unwanted introductions:
Should you, whilst walking with your friend, meet an acquaintance, never introduce them.
If you meet a male acquaintance giving his arm to a lady, take off your hat to him, instead of nodding–as this last familiar mode of recognition looks disrespectful towards her.
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In making “introductions,” take care to present the person of the lower rank to him of the higher; that is, the commoner should be presented to the peer, not the peer to the commoner; Dr. A. to Lord B., not Lord B.to Dr. A. Observe the same rule with ladies–the lady (as a female) claiming the highest rank, it is to her the gentleman must be presented, not the lady to the gentleman.
Be cautious how you take an intimate friend uninvited even to the house of those with whom you may be equally intimate, as there is always a feeling of jealousy that another should share your thoughts and feelings to the same extent as themselves, although good breeding will induce them to behave civilly to your friend on your account.
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Never make acquaintances in coffee-houses or other public places. As no person who respects himself does so, you may reasonably suspect any advances made to you. In America, this must be taken with some allowance; boarding in hotels, and living much in public, being the custom of the country, but which is contrary to English prejudices. Besides, in the United States, there is at least a profession of equality, however chimerical may be a reality, which is never even affected in Europe.
An adherence to etiquette is a mark of respect. If a man be worth knowing, he is surely worth the trouble to approach properly. It will likewise relieve you from the awkwardness of being acquainted with people of whom you might at times be ashamed, or be obliged, under many circumstances, to “cut.”
The act of “cutting” can only be justified by some strong instance of bad conduct in the person to be cut. A cold bow, which discourages familiarity without offering insult, is the best mode to adopt towards those with whom an acquaintance is not deemed desirable. An increased observance of ceremony is, however, the most delicate way of withdrawing from an acquaintance; and the person so treated must be obtuse, indeed, who does not take the hint.
Such social guidelines may seem rigid, particularly for such a common occurrence as making introductions and managing acquaintances. In any case, the salient point is that respect and decorum occur here, even in brief interactions. The author provides specific rules for introductions, prioritizing hierarchical presentation and cautioning against casual encounters in public spaces, particularly in Europe, where it is less normalized. He also advises against bringing uninvited friends to social gatherings, and suggests subtle methods for distancing ourselves from undesirable acquaintances. The solution to an unwanted introduction is increased formality; outright ostracization must only be reserved for severe misconduct. Ultimately, we rely, as always, on etiquette as a means of demonstrating respect and navigating social interactions with grace, while avoiding potentially awkward or undesirable associations.
While the rigid social hierarchies of the past have evolved, the principle behind this etiquette—showing deference and respect in introductions—remains relevant. In modern settings, introductions still follow a hierarchy based on professional status, seniority, or social context. For example, in business, a junior employee is introduced to an executive, and not the other way around. Similarly, in social situations, guests are introduced to the host as a sign of respect. Although titles like “peer” and “commoner” are outdated in today’s social contexts, the fundamental idea of acknowledging status and courtesy in introductions continues to shape professional and social interactions.